Saturday, June 03, 2006

Another definitive guide to being an Aussie
1. The bigger the hat , the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the handsof the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
14. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
15. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
16. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all nightdrinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
17. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
18. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
19. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard,or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
20. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the Motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
21. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the mozzies.
22. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia. Potential new Aussies must pass the following test:
a) Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB (Beer) while watching the cricket.
b) If you can't pass that, chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off.

Friday, May 26, 2006

There was a couple that had been married for twenty-five years, and their sex life had gotten extremely boring. So one day they met a Martian couple and decided to change partners.
The human woman left with the Martian man and as they were having sex he asked, "How is it?"
"It's nice, but I wish you were longer!" she said. "No problem, all you need to do is yank on my ear until it is the length you would like it to be!"
So she yanked his ear. "How is it now?"
"Great!" she said. "But I wish it were a little thicker!"
"No problem, all you have to do is pat my head until it reaches the width you like!"
So she patted his head.
The next morning the wife was ecstatic when she met up with her husband. She exclaimed while trembling, "I just experienced the most incredible orgasm of my life!!!...How was your night?"
He exclaimed, "That Georgeous Greenie kept slapping me on my head and yanking my ears!!!"

Thursday, May 11, 2006

On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Aussie bloke stands up in the rear of the plane. He is good-looking, tall, well built, with sun-bleached blond hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. ......One button at a time. ........No one moves. .........Everyone is transfixed. ........He removes his shirt. ........Muscles ripple across his chest. .......She gasps... ........
He whispers... "Here ya go luv - iron this and then go get me a beer...."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.She says, "What's the story?"He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Monday, April 24, 2006

Lots of vines, good wine country  Posted by Picasa

Grape vines in the Yarra Valley Posted by Picasa

Yarra Valley Posted by Picasa

Change of Seasons from the Yarra Valley Posted by Picasa

Sunday, April 09, 2006

kalvic
Make a DifferenceOnce upon a time there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day he was walking along the shore. As he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day. So he began to walk faster to catch up. As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man and the young man wasn't dancing, but instead he was reaching down to the shore, picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean. As he got closer he called out,"Good morning! What are you doing?" The young man paused, looked up and replied, "Throwing starfish in the ocean." "I guess I should have asked, why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?" "The sun is up and the tide is going out. And if I don't throw them in they'll die." "But, young man, don't you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it. You can't possibly make a difference!" The young man listened politely. Then bent down, picked another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves and said, "It made a difference for that one."

Friday, April 07, 2006


What the ?

Saturday, March 25, 2006

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Austin Riley Posted by Picasa

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